My whole life has come to this moment. By the time you read this, that moment will have passed. Sorry you missed it; if you were with me in it you know the value it possessed, and I am fully grateful for your presence. If you knew me once and have gone from me, there is still a place for you in who I am. You can be sure that whatever you did or did not do had an impact of some kind, and likely steered my unique reality in one way or another. I’ll leave you to wonder with that one though, because whether kind or cruel, my place is here, your place is there, and we both played a role. That is how powerful we are. We are amazing.
I can and will openly love and appreciate (the way I was built to) all the beautiful things you are, regardless of your present proximity to my heart. You are still a valuable part of me, and I wake up every day grateful for life’s experiences, both with or without you. I know, sometimes I can be a bit intense. Sometimes I’m such a case that I need to withdraw and realign myself with the best parts of who I have realised, and parts of who I am yet to become. I make no apology for my learning; I only hope that my aspirations are in alignment with yours to that end, and we can continue on this great adventure together, no matter where we might find ourselves. Our misalignments can be so painful sometimes, but I have learned that inside each of us is a confrontation of self that absolutely nobody else will relate to perfectly. Because of this, at times some of our dearest will feel the furthest from our hearts, and our love is so deliberate that we think we can just deliver it to the front door of theirs and they will understand. It is when they kick it off the porch into the dirt that we feel betrayed. It feels like the air has been removed from our lungs instantly, as if we were struck by an immeasurable force.
That immeasurable force is
each of us,
and each of us is an instrument to the betterment of at the very least one other.
I have come to know the immeasurable force of energy within, and in a way I never imagined I would. It has become such an obvious element of me, and sometimes I wonder how I could literally feel it and not know it was there. It has changed my perception of my reality, and given way to discoveries I could never have believed if I had not actually experienced them. My life is now changing in front of me, and I have come to know just how powerful we all are in both our ignorance as well as our enlightenment.
On September 4th, I was returning home from a friend’s on my motorcycle when the unthinkable happened. Well, the unthinkable unless you ride a motorcycle. If you ride a motorcycle, its likely one of the essential elements of your ride prep. Sometimes I ask myself, “what if I crash today,” or, “what if this is my last ride?” – These thoughts put my attention on the many variables, and ultimately/potentially fatal decisions that can be made during the course of any journey on a motorcycle. It gets me prepared. It gets me to change my focus to what’s important. It helps me change my focus of thought.
“I will not crash today.”
We are beings of incredible and immeasurable force. We possess the power to change our lives. Some of us even change the lives of those around us. Which brings me again to September 4th.
I had chosen my out, my escape route. I had enough time. This guys is going to go – yeah. there he goes – and then it happened: he… stopped.
My out disappeared. All my prep, all my decisions, all my awareness, rendered invalid by one simple and obvious fact as soon as I saw the drivers eyes.
Total and utter shock.
The driver hadn’t seen me at all.
I struck the car in an upright sideways skid. I remember the impact because of the sound it made. But following that moment, there was a sense of release… Or maybe it was relief, because until that night I was one of the fortunate few that had never experienced a motorcycle crash. My philosophy had always been to inject a healthy amount of appreciation into my pre-ride preparation because of this fact. But I always knew I had to be equipped for this event. It’s not a matter of if – it’s a matter of when you go down riding a motorcycle; I just liked to tell myself every ride that “it wont happen today.” Healthy. Right?
I heard the pop of the airbag in the car. I saw nothing but black. Then I landed, still travelling, and landed again, this time with greater force on the pavement somewhere on the other side of the car. I made a strange noise with the mouth part of my face as I felt the air leave my lungs. My chest closed in as my sight returned. I could breathe. Yess. I was alive. But alas, I was drowning in my own blood.
What’s Ironic to me is how thrilled I was, both to be alive but also to have lived through my first crash on a motorcycle, in spite of the icy feeling in my shrinking chest cavity. This elevated feeling would quickly leave me once the ketamine expired and I felt what had to be the entire remaining Canadian stock of medical tubing in my chest. Or maybe it’s a piano, I didn’t really care any more.
I sustained an array of injuries … broken pelvis, ribs, deep and widespread soft tissue damage to most of the right hand side of my body, but strangely no broken bones in my leg. I say strangely because I had secretly been formulating my case for amputation of it. My right leg had been crushed in the impact and was comparatively as large as my chest piano, and by day four in the trauma ward it was screaming like a groupie and hurting like I don’t want this life experience. Despite the lack of any broken bones, my leg was providing me with a level of agony I would not wish for even the deepest of heart breakers, Hell. To that end, give me a thousand broken hearts. Easy trade.
It’s called CRPS. From all the research I have done, I will only say that it was a disturbing learning experience for me; a condition of the nervous system that basically misinterprets messages from severely damaged nerves as any and all forms of distress. That explains the screaming and intense pain. Okay. That actually helps a little.
For about a minute.
I will never truly be able to put into words, much like the experience of love, just how this type of sensation assaults me. It is intense and encompassing. It demands my full attention, and if I allow, it will fill all of my senses with chaos. I see pulses of white light, laced with a din of incredible sounds so vivid to me that sensory overload occurs and I begin to shake. My skin is fire; air is a brand new nemesis. What happened? It used to be just my leg. Granted, the feeling of the hem of my pant leg still feels like its cutting into the bone of my ankle, but I can clearly see that is not the case. Suddenly a drug addiction doesn’t seem like a bad idea to the shrinking remains of my sanity in that moment. Suddenly, that world I know nothing about finds its appeal as I run backward inside of myself, desperately looking for a hand hold, a memory of a better sensation.. A lovers touch. A warm embrace… a comfortable sitting position… A freaking punch to the face. My motor skills betray me.
I shake and wobble like an infant, eyes watering as I feel a deep and dark wave of emotion wash over me. I am filled with fear and questions.
Is this my life now?
Will I get used to this?
Does it get better?
Does it get worse?
I feel like everything I am is gone during this experience. I feel helpless and alone. I feel every bad deed ever done to me. I feel every memory of hate and disharmony in a neat and vertical stack on the top of the very best bits I have realized about myself, pushing downward with unrelenting constancy.
oooh.. there they are, my best bits
Strangely resilient, those.
I am pushed back to my foundation, stripped of any remaining query of my worth, now literally existing in one thought:
I can do anything; why not this?
I am a powerful, immeasurable force.
Why not all the other things I love? Why not my dreams in spite of this.. unimaginable pain? You will never know my battles, and I will never truly know yours… but I am(and as we are, WE ARE) capable of wondrous things. I am that powerful. So go ahead. Diminish me. Punish me. Berate and shower me with the contempt of your own inadequacy. I choo(choo-choo)se to own my flawed existence, and make my own path through the valley of my decisions. I choose the immeasurable force within, and move with authority toward my greatest self. Through all the mistakes. Through all the mishaps and circumstance, the faltered and fallible human that I am. I am solely responsible for the way that I feel, and I feel everything. You can get out of the way if you want, but it wont change my direction. I’m happy you came. I love you.
I wrote a song.
I wrote a few, but here’s one
I shall do this more.
It is the anchor to all that is joyful in my life.
This is the beginning of dreams that will evolve and ever unfold.
Let the people dance.